a new thing i tried doing

sometimes
it's just sometimes
and i want it to be more than sometimes
i want it to be this time

right now
right here
focused intense
with you

but its hard to say why
when i don't know why
or how
or which because

and none of it ever makes sense
to anyone other than me
which i see
and i know and i understand

but can't comprehend
with my heart
just my mind
and my thoughts and my known

but my feel
feels so much else
which is strange
and scary and weird

so i try
and i try
and i try
and i do

and it is
and i won't
so it's fine
for now

and that's that.

____________________


i try all my best
at the bequest
of a power
that's other
than me

and i struggle to find
a source in my mind
for the love
and the hope
of the free

but it takes its toll
as i walk down the road
of the life
that i've lived
so far

so i pray to my god
that the things i find odd
will resolve
become part
of my whole
____________________

on the same night
and in the same vein
i write again
for the third time

and find hope in my words
and in my thoughts
and feelings
and fears

because they're real
and me
ineluctable, forever
and human

i eat a sandwich
just like anyone else
and i try to sleep at night, even though i can't
just like anyone else

but i reflect...
just like me
because no one else
can do it for me
or like me

and i break rules
just as i make rules
and find rules
to be meaningless
or the very source of meaning

so i live
day to day
year to year
and one life to the next

just like anyone else
a brief moment of warmth here and there
and the eternal coldness where it isn't
but the memory, always in between.

coherence

I don't know what to think sometimes. Or even how to think.
Sometimes, I can't even frame the question. But it's still there, under the surface.
Just below my consciousness, I am aware of its presence. It is future, and it is past.
Hopes and dreams . Fears. Memories both sad and happy. And life's underlying purpose.

I drift in and out, as if in a trance. I am on autopilot.
When I ride my bike, brush my teeth, when I'm with you, when I'm in class.
Sometimes even when I play guitar or read a book. And I daydream.
About the future. About the past.

And as I wander, on autopilot, daydreaming, I perceive the world.
It affects me, imprints upon my mind.
I feel --fear, anger, sadness, happiness--in response.
And I don't even always know why.

But sometimes I feel like I've woken up, and I really see.
And I understand cause and effect again, and I know why I feel the way I do.
About myself and my actions. About other people theirs.
And I understand karma. And everything's blue.

Sometimes it happens
When I ride my bike, brush my teeth, when I'm with you, when I'm in class.
Sometimes even when I play guitar or read a book. Or when I daydream.
And it is the present.